Monday, October 6, 2014

Changes in the Trees


Fall reminds me of the vast impermanence in life. How things change, so quickly, for each of us. When the green leaches from the leaves, and spills splotches of reds and gold in its place. Change is hard. It’s hard to watch it go. To watch the greens of people leave, so slowly at first, and then quickly in a rush of color and brittleness. Everything gets fragile in the fall, the rushes of heat that slink to cold nights that somehow seem chillier than the dead of winter. Because we’re, all of us, used to the warmth of the sun that sinks in our bones. Used to the big smiles, inside jokes, and carefree living of the summer. Summer is simpler. It holds these big promises of heavy boned happiness and heat. 







Autumn holds a special place in my heart. This is the fourth year, that for me, everything gets a little more complicated. I wrote a few years ago, that everything got a little more interesting in the fall. As if my life was synchronous with the change of seasons. Because this time of year, things always change for me too. The color leaches. It gets replaced. And maybe I feel a little more fragile too.
This year is a little different for me. I’m intentionally changing things. Deciding to be my own catalyst. And to be frank, maybe I’m fucking things up a little. But I like it. The shake up. The boldness. The recklessness. It’s freeing. 




So I go places like this. Where the change is glaring. The leaves are this vibrant burst of color that gives me the feel good chills. Things happen whether you want them to or not. And sometimes it hurts.
But I just remind myself, that the changes in people, are circumstantial. And forced upon them just as much as the change of the seasons is forced on the trees. I tell myself that sometimes people can’t help becoming bitter, because life is hard. And there’s bits of others that are every bit as fragile as the fragile bits in me, even if they come across calloused. I need to remember that. When I see these changes that feel like the pierce of too bright sunlight. 
There are situations that are catalysts, which cause people to change, to feel, to hurt, to react. 
And there are people that are catalysts, that cause change, that choose feelings, and understand that everyone is just doing their best.
Even if their best makes them an asshole :). 


As Fitzgerald said, "Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." 
And I'm doing that. Again. And I kind of like it.   



Sunday, August 10, 2014

Today

This is what I did today. Adventured in the woods. And saw an incredible amount of butterflies. I read once that they are a sign of transformation, change, and progressive growth. Clearly all signs point to yes for those concepts in my current life. I feel lucky today. Happy. And think that this spur of the moment adventure couldn't have been a better decision. An afternoon in the sunshine has been too few and far between for me lately and I think my heart needed a little recharge. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Best...




















Sunday, what an odd day for me. 
It's my favorite day of the week, and while I wasn't sure this lovely day would pull through for me, it ended up being one of the very very best. 


It started with waiting for the rain to pass, which was actually incredibly fitting for my present state. 
There were lightning strikes, and it was a torrential downpour. Our conversation in the car was a mixture of loud voices and yelling when the rain took over. 



And then the sun came out, like it always does, and it was glorious. The perfect summer day. The sky was still crazy and the wind blew, so we were hesitant. But it was perfection.




It should be noted. Real girls wear cowgirl boots. Adventure Jen? She wears flip flops.
We had to trudge through about a block length of muddy fields from where we parked to the venue.
She clearly wasn't prepared.

We spent some time holed up underneath tents that were scattered around the arena.
Hiding from the rain.



























But I love the rain, and it was just sprinkling. So I ventured out. And danced by myself.
For a couple of songs….. and while I don't have a photo of me dancing solo (I didn't know photos were even being taken)…. I do have a fun photo below.



Because while I danced, some random guy, came up to me, and said,

"Pretty girls shouldn't dance alone, will you dance with me?"
So I did.
And it was such a fun and spontaneous moment. I love when things like that happen.
Unexpected moments always seem to crystallize in my brain.




This is the "Our legs are tired and we can't stand any longer" photo. 

But it was so worth the wait……..

They sang this song. It's called Take it Out on Me. 
I had never heard it before. 
And I'm so glad. 
Because the studio version does NOTHING for how powerfully they sang it. I've never heard a song sang this way.

I heard the chorus…  I loved it.


Listen…...











I couldn't love this band more. They have raw talent and passion. If everyone sang the way they do…. I'd never stop listening to music, and I already listen to it in an obsessive way. Anything that has feeling, or meaning, or depth.






Notice Jessi's wet shirt. We were covered in drinks that they shook out over the crowd. We were almost within kissing distance. And I think we all know how much I love to kiss….. ;) kidding…. kidding.

But seriously, right before this photo below was taken. Tyler came to the edge of the stage, near where I was standing. And looked right at me. Standing on top of a section of chairs that Jessi and I had commandeered as our dance stage.
I was so happy he noticed me that it took me a second to register. And I air blew him a kiss with just my lips, and he grinned at me and air kissed me back.
It was the most epic fangirl crush moment that I've ever had.
It makes me giggle just thinking about it.
Such a fun moment.
Such an absolutely perfect night, that made me once again so happy for the life I have. 


It was the best night. 

Sunday, June 29, 2014

I LOVE that I Experience All of It.

There's a road, a few cities over, that my dad touts as his favorite. A lush, steep hill that curves down to the left. He said, every time we went down it, that he loved it more than any other place to drive.

The first time it occurred to me to ask why, he made us lift our feet, throw our hands in the air and that road he loved so much became a roller coaster. The steering wheel twisting tightly under his hands with the wind whipping in through the windows.

I think of that moment often. When the trees turn green and full, and I find myself questioning where I am and why. When I ask myself if I've leapt far enough, dug to the depths of living. And every time I feel like the answer is different.

Because life, in every situation, encapsulates so many vast and different feelings.

Life is in the silence, hands out, eyes closed, with the sunlight flashing through the trees onto your lids. Of needing no sound, no voice, just the feeling of the moment, soft as you roll forward into the changing light. And then fast, as your stomach flips and dips when the hill rolls beneath you.

Life is in the laughter, that aches in your throat, with fear creeping up it, demanding to be felt. Right along with the thrill of knowing that in that moment, wherever it is, however frightening, exhilarating, and perfect, that you said yes for a reason. One more reason, why I choose to say yes to everything, at least for a short while. Because that's all that life really is, those experiences that change you.

Life is in the company. I've heard that said a million times over.

But I don't believe that.

Life is in you.
I spend time with people that are terrible company. And they need me, to be the silence, the laughter, the comfort, to be me. Sometimes moments of silence with someone, of saying nothing, and just being together. Are more telling than all the conversation people try and spill out and fill. The silence, and the feeling in it, is important.
I spend time with people that are vibrant, who like to sell themselves to the world. And they need me too. Because even people so full of light, need a place to share it, and need someone who sees that even the brightest lights spill shadows sometimes. Life is about all of the feelings. Not every moment is going to be amazing, filled with great conversations and vibrance. Sometimes it's shadows, sometimes its silence, and sometimes it's bright lights, and laughter. I spend time with those that I need, with those that need me…. and in all those moments of time, I see this hill that we drove down. And I don't remember the music, or if there even was any. I don't remember what I looked like. Or what he looked like. Or what he said. Or why we were there together.
I remember the feeling. Of knowing that our entire purpose on that hill, was to feel. And experience, what that moment of glorious existence, felt like for someone else.


In the moment we're lost, and found.
If these wings could fly…….
Oh, damn these walls. In the moment we're ten feet tall.
And how you told me, after it all, we'd remember tonight.
For the rest of our lives. 



Wednesday, May 28, 2014

There's a Bit of Magic in Everything

Ballpark Sundays are something I've never experienced before. 
But I've come to find that I adore them.
$6 for the nastiest nachos you've ever tasted, and more laughs than I'd had all week. 

I cheered for the wrong team while Kandice gave scores on how well the players wore their pants. 
Number 18 was apparently a fan favorite. 




The seats clearly weren't packed. And at least half the seats that were filled, well they were full of what we call hecklers. Kandice reassured me that there was no way the players could actually hear what was being said. And besides she told me, these guys make more money than half the crowd. They can handle it. 
Mean is still mean I say. 

But hecklers aside. The day was a bit of magic. One of the first days this month that was filled with hot summer heat and sunshine. 


Sunday, January 12, 2014

Thoughts on a Thursday.... a few days late


Today I wake up early. Because I’ve become a morning person. I didn’t use to be, but I’ve begun to appreciate the small minutes in life when things are quiet around me, and I can hear myself think. I turn on the coffee pot first, because we have one of those now, and put two cups on the counter. Just like you used to, only yours were tall paper cups, from the coffee shop.

It’s the weekend, and you’ve decided that you’d rather stay with me. My arms around your waist tell you just how happy that makes me. We spend the day in the city. There’s a book you want to show me. It’s leather bound, with illustrations that make me smile. You knew that they would. In the checkout line your fingers slip past me for a chocolate bar, and I reach forward and grab one too.

Tonight you take me dancing, and I tell you I love it. Because I love dancing now, I learned how just for you. And when you pull me to the corner to sneak a kiss, I kiss you back. Because I don’t mind anymore. The lights are dim and the wood is solid beneath our feet, and we are happy.

It’s past midnight and we fall in bed together. I don’t tell you to not steal the blankets, and you don’t push my feet away when their coldness touches your legs. My hand is on your cheek, and you let my fingertips trace your lines. You pull me close and we talk until our words are spent and our eyes are heavy. We drift to sleep, and even when I roll away, your hand finds mine between the sheets.

The sunlight streams in, and my hands aren’t wrapped in yours anymore. My back is cold, and not because you stole the blankets. You see, you’re not here to steal blankets anymore. You haven’t been for weeks.

It was the weekend. And you decided to drive north, you left me a coffee on the counter, a tall papered confection from the coffee shop you loved. I went to the bookstore alone, and found the novel I had been looking for, full of lines you would laugh at me for reading. I walked past the chocolate bars, they were always your weakness, never mine.

That night we were supposed to go dancing. I learned how to salsa, just for you. But the doorway stayed empty, and you never came home. I tried to visit your grave again, but I’m never able to make it past the front door. 
It’s always past midnight when I try to fall asleep. And I picture your face in the pillow next to mine. I close my eyes, and I almost smile when I think of how I always tried to trace the lines on your face. I slip my hands under the covers and pretend to find your hand beneath the sheets, and wonder what it would feel like to have you pull the blankets toward you…. Just one more time. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

I Fell in Love 5 Times Today...

I fell in love with the way the sun shone through the fog in the streets. 

The way the cold bled through my mini mustache socks, dashing to my car. 

With the way Oliver plays with other puppies, trying to hang on to their hind legs like turkey bones. 

I fell in love with a new book. 

And finally, I fell in love with the laziness of Sundays all over again. My most favorite day of the week.