Sunday, June 29, 2014

I LOVE that I Experience All of It.

There's a road, a few cities over, that my dad touts as his favorite. A lush, steep hill that curves down to the left. He said, every time we went down it, that he loved it more than any other place to drive.

The first time it occurred to me to ask why, he made us lift our feet, throw our hands in the air and that road he loved so much became a roller coaster. The steering wheel twisting tightly under his hands with the wind whipping in through the windows.

I think of that moment often. When the trees turn green and full, and I find myself questioning where I am and why. When I ask myself if I've leapt far enough, dug to the depths of living. And every time I feel like the answer is different.

Because life, in every situation, encapsulates so many vast and different feelings.

Life is in the silence, hands out, eyes closed, with the sunlight flashing through the trees onto your lids. Of needing no sound, no voice, just the feeling of the moment, soft as you roll forward into the changing light. And then fast, as your stomach flips and dips when the hill rolls beneath you.

Life is in the laughter, that aches in your throat, with fear creeping up it, demanding to be felt. Right along with the thrill of knowing that in that moment, wherever it is, however frightening, exhilarating, and perfect, that you said yes for a reason. One more reason, why I choose to say yes to everything, at least for a short while. Because that's all that life really is, those experiences that change you.

Life is in the company. I've heard that said a million times over.

But I don't believe that.

Life is in you.
I spend time with people that are terrible company. And they need me, to be the silence, the laughter, the comfort, to be me. Sometimes moments of silence with someone, of saying nothing, and just being together. Are more telling than all the conversation people try and spill out and fill. The silence, and the feeling in it, is important.
I spend time with people that are vibrant, who like to sell themselves to the world. And they need me too. Because even people so full of light, need a place to share it, and need someone who sees that even the brightest lights spill shadows sometimes. Life is about all of the feelings. Not every moment is going to be amazing, filled with great conversations and vibrance. Sometimes it's shadows, sometimes its silence, and sometimes it's bright lights, and laughter. I spend time with those that I need, with those that need me…. and in all those moments of time, I see this hill that we drove down. And I don't remember the music, or if there even was any. I don't remember what I looked like. Or what he looked like. Or what he said. Or why we were there together.
I remember the feeling. Of knowing that our entire purpose on that hill, was to feel. And experience, what that moment of glorious existence, felt like for someone else.

In the moment we're lost, and found.
If these wings could fly…….
Oh, damn these walls. In the moment we're ten feet tall.
And how you told me, after it all, we'd remember tonight.
For the rest of our lives. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

There's a Bit of Magic in Everything

Ballpark Sundays are something I've never experienced before. 
But I've come to find that I adore them.
$6 for the nastiest nachos you've ever tasted, and more laughs than I'd had all week. 

I cheered for the wrong team while Kandice gave scores on how well the players wore their pants. 
Number 18 was apparently a fan favorite. 

The seats clearly weren't packed. And at least half the seats that were filled, well they were full of what we call hecklers. Kandice reassured me that there was no way the players could actually hear what was being said. And besides she told me, these guys make more money than half the crowd. They can handle it. 
Mean is still mean I say. 

But hecklers aside. The day was a bit of magic. One of the first days this month that was filled with hot summer heat and sunshine. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Thoughts on a Thursday.... a few days late

Today I wake up early. Because I’ve become a morning person. I didn’t use to be, but I’ve begun to appreciate the small minutes in life when things are quiet around me, and I can hear myself think. I turn on the coffee pot first, because we have one of those now, and put two cups on the counter. Just like you used to, only yours were tall paper cups, from the coffee shop.

It’s the weekend, and you’ve decided that you’d rather stay with me. My arms around your waist tell you just how happy that makes me. We spend the day in the city. There’s a book you want to show me. It’s leather bound, with illustrations that make me smile. You knew that they would. In the checkout line your fingers slip past me for a chocolate bar, and I reach forward and grab one too.

Tonight you take me dancing, and I tell you I love it. Because I love dancing now, I learned how just for you. And when you pull me to the corner to sneak a kiss, I kiss you back. Because I don’t mind anymore. The lights are dim and the wood is solid beneath our feet, and we are happy.

It’s past midnight and we fall in bed together. I don’t tell you to not steal the blankets, and you don’t push my feet away when their coldness touches your legs. My hand is on your cheek, and you let my fingertips trace your lines. You pull me close and we talk until our words are spent and our eyes are heavy. We drift to sleep, and even when I roll away, your hand finds mine between the sheets.

The sunlight streams in, and my hands aren’t wrapped in yours anymore. My back is cold, and not because you stole the blankets. You see, you’re not here to steal blankets anymore. You haven’t been for weeks.

It was the weekend. And you decided to drive north, you left me a coffee on the counter, a tall papered confection from the coffee shop you loved. I went to the bookstore alone, and found the novel I had been looking for, full of lines you would laugh at me for reading. I walked past the chocolate bars, they were always your weakness, never mine.

That night we were supposed to go dancing. I learned how to salsa, just for you. But the doorway stayed empty, and you never came home. I tried to visit your grave again, but I’m never able to make it past the front door. 
It’s always past midnight when I try to fall asleep. And I picture your face in the pillow next to mine. I close my eyes, and I almost smile when I think of how I always tried to trace the lines on your face. I slip my hands under the covers and pretend to find your hand beneath the sheets, and wonder what it would feel like to have you pull the blankets toward you…. Just one more time. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

I Fell in Love 5 Times Today...

I fell in love with the way the sun shone through the fog in the streets. 

The way the cold bled through my mini mustache socks, dashing to my car. 

With the way Oliver plays with other puppies, trying to hang on to their hind legs like turkey bones. 

I fell in love with a new book. 

And finally, I fell in love with the laziness of Sundays all over again. My most favorite day of the week.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Thoughts on a Thursday Evening

I write. 

I write a lot. 

And normally when I've done my thoughts on a thursday post, they are simply my thoughts. 
But I thought I would start sharing my writings, little pieces that I write in passing, mainly while I stall on writing my book. 

Some are interesting, some only passable fares of literature, but I enjoy it. Short stories, poems, random thoughts from what I imagine a characters life to be like, sometimes bits of nothing that make no sense. 

But here they are, every Thursday from now on. 

If you hate them, just skip Thursdays, this helps me clear my head.
If you like them, then thank you, and enjoy.... 

I lived in the woods once
A small cottage
Large enough to hold my books, filled with dust and lavender
And every day I walked to the field

I heard the whispers in the trees
Like a songstress in the sun
Voices that called to me
My hair wove itself in the wind
A tangled basket of amber that carried the thoughts from my head

Then the light would fade
My eyes would dip
I shut my heart to the voices
And I returned to my dusty home
With the understanding that some things are meant
To be left behind 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Little Blips

Days like today I wonder what it would be like to read notes from years ago, little messages you had stored for yourself. Not journal entries, but notes like the one I came across tonight. I had been emptying out my phone to have a little less clutter. 

This entry tells me more about that day of my life than probably the most dedicated diary entry would. 
I look at those time slots and I remember exactly how I felt. 
So fearful, so hopeful. So nervous that no matter how tired I became, I couldn't sleep for more than a handful of minutes, nodding off only to snap awake again, afraid I had missed something. 

It's been 4 months now. And I feel like some tragic version of my real self sometimes. 
And I wonder when it gets easier. 
That's not to say that my days are filled with sadness, because they aren't, not at all. 
I have wild and silly, laughter inducing moment... great days. 
But there are little blips in those days, like the one I'm having now. 
And they make me feel a little smaller than I would like to be. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Yes, I'm Alive...

Hello World... 

It's me, from the cover of a privatized blog, and a million updates I could give you. 
For those of you that see me often, or follow my insta, you're probably pretty up to speed. As for the rest of you, sorry! I've gone completely MIA, for good reason. 
My life went a little topsy turvy when the company I've worked for for the last 7 years was restructured, and my boss lost his position as CEO. Devastating. 
And then, just 2 weeks later, I lost mine as well. 

From this, I've lost a lot of friends, ended a lot of relationships, and kind of feel like I was put through the wringer. This, of course, was all on top of losing Phoebe. Which has still been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It has gotten a bit easier as time has passed, but still an emotional topic for me, that I don't like discussing, just too hard. 

Oliver's face right here, kind of sums up how my life has been as of late. 

(This photo makes me giggle, I woke up to him looking like this yesterday morning and was laughing from the moment I opened my eyes). 
Anyway, all of these changes, maybe it was for my own good (this is SINCERELY doubt, but I'm willing to be a silver lining believer and look for the potential in things). 

For some reason I look like I'm 14 here. But I've still been having a bit of fun, keeping up with friends, but not singing as much karaoke as I used to, which is a shame. But less singing means more dancing, which is something I missed out on in my early twenties, and am making up for now. I dance every chance I can get. This was from a few weeks ago, we went to Keys on Main, a dueling piano bar in Salt Lake. The best part of the night was when someone paid to have them sing and play "What does the Fox say". The worst/best thing since Gangnam Style.... so of course I'm madly in love with it.

I took a few days, and got right back into things, and while I don't feel like I've found the perfect job yet, I'm getting there, figuring it out. And that's ok. 

I've been drinking ridiculous amounts of coffee, you only have to say hazelnut white mocha to make my heart melt, just a little bit. I've started frequenting all the little pop up coffee shops in Utah County and have found my favorites. Whip cream has never made me this happy. 

I got a little grief for posting selfies. 
I had a conversation about it with a friend, and she told me 'It's one of the things I love about you Aim, that you love you, and that makes me love you more, I love your photos, and if someone doesn't, they should stop looking". And that made me feel a lot better. 
So I began posting them again. 
Not exactly a huge life change, but something that's been on my mind. Just trying to work on loving myself a bit more. 

Halloween was special. I was able to get a visit from my favorite little nephew. A little Luigi delivered directly to my date night dinner table. A surprise for him, love this photo of his face when he's hugging me, so excited and cute. Made my evening. 

I've rekindled my love of music, reading, and writing. 
It had been months since I picked up a good book and devoured it like I used to.
I just hadn't been feeling me, I had lost a lot of interest in the little pleasures I used to enjoy. 
But music speaks to my soul. And literature speaks to my heart. 

I began writing again. A lovely novel that I hope to share with the world someday. It saw a long time of  dust and neglect. And now, it has entire chapters added to it, something I'm proud of. Another bucket list goal, write a book, become an author, something that's just for me. My way of adding a little more magic to the world.