Thursday, December 19, 2013

Little Blips

Days like today I wonder what it would be like to read notes from years ago, little messages you had stored for yourself. Not journal entries, but notes like the one I came across tonight. I had been emptying out my phone to have a little less clutter. 

This entry tells me more about that day of my life than probably the most dedicated diary entry would. 
I look at those time slots and I remember exactly how I felt. 
So fearful, so hopeful. So nervous that no matter how tired I became, I couldn't sleep for more than a handful of minutes, nodding off only to snap awake again, afraid I had missed something. 

It's been 4 months now. And I feel like some tragic version of my real self sometimes. 
And I wonder when it gets easier. 
That's not to say that my days are filled with sadness, because they aren't, not at all. 
I have wild and silly, laughter inducing moment... great days. 
But there are little blips in those days, like the one I'm having now. 
And they make me feel a little smaller than I would like to be. 


Vick said...

This makes me sad for you that you lost someone so precious to you. You always write things so beautiful though. Im glad your writing again.

Dani said...

I can't believe it's been 4 months. Keep all your memories of her, good and bad.

Jan said...

Look at what a fabulous mommy you were and are! Your kids are lucky to have you. It's been 5 months for me and I hurt for you,and me. Still.