The first time it occurred to me to ask why, he made us lift our feet, throw our hands in the air and that road he loved so much became a roller coaster. The steering wheel twisting tightly under his hands with the wind whipping in through the windows.
I think of that moment often. When the trees turn green and full, and I find myself questioning where I am and why. When I ask myself if I've leapt far enough, dug to the depths of living. And every time I feel like the answer is different.
Because life, in every situation, encapsulates so many vast and different feelings.
Life is in the silence, hands out, eyes closed, with the sunlight flashing through the trees onto your lids. Of needing no sound, no voice, just the feeling of the moment, soft as you roll forward into the changing light. And then fast, as your stomach flips and dips when the hill rolls beneath you.
Life is in the laughter, that aches in your throat, with fear creeping up it, demanding to be felt. Right along with the thrill of knowing that in that moment, wherever it is, however frightening, exhilarating, and perfect, that you said yes for a reason. One more reason, why I choose to say yes to everything, at least for a short while. Because that's all that life really is, those experiences that change you.
Life is in the company. I've heard that said a million times over.
But I don't believe that.
Life is in you.
I spend time with people that are terrible company. And they need me, to be the silence, the laughter, the comfort, to be me. Sometimes moments of silence with someone, of saying nothing, and just being together. Are more telling than all the conversation people try and spill out and fill. The silence, and the feeling in it, is important.
I spend time with people that are vibrant, who like to sell themselves to the world. And they need me too. Because even people so full of light, need a place to share it, and need someone who sees that even the brightest lights spill shadows sometimes. Life is about all of the feelings. Not every moment is going to be amazing, filled with great conversations and vibrance. Sometimes it's shadows, sometimes its silence, and sometimes it's bright lights, and laughter. I spend time with those that I need, with those that need me…. and in all those moments of time, I see this hill that we drove down. And I don't remember the music, or if there even was any. I don't remember what I looked like. Or what he looked like. Or what he said. Or why we were there together.
I remember the feeling. Of knowing that our entire purpose on that hill, was to feel. And experience, what that moment of glorious existence, felt like for someone else.
In the moment we're lost, and found.
If these wings could fly…….
Oh, damn these walls. In the moment we're ten feet tall.
And how you told me, after it all, we'd remember tonight.
For the rest of our lives.